Zombies, War and Sharp Pointy Sticks: Why Men Must Knit

There is a technique, passed down through generations, which has provided for mankind’s survival since ancient times. Long ago, exclusive male-only guilds toiled for years as apprentices to master this art alongside the like of blacksmiths and carpenters, for this skill was used to serve all from the lowest peasant to the highest king. Amazingly, only the very basic sets of implements were required, consisting mostly of sharpened sticks in various sizes. Even today there is much demand for its products, and the most popular stories we tell often include its artisans – giants of men toiling in difficult conditions, for example, or underground efforts to free slaves.

Yet this incredible talent is under attack. Its very tools are banned from air travel, and men daring to learn it often do so in secret – knowing that they will be met with derision and scorn by the very people who benefit from the craft every day. Yet they must continue to work – for if it were to vanish, lives may very well be lost. It has won wars, but the masses ignorantly mock its name.

We call it “knitting”.

And though the above is a little over the top dramatically, it is all true.

So rather than try to figure out why men don’t knit very much any more, or wail against the impersonal corporation machines that provide our mass market knitwear nowadays, I thought it would be a lot more fun to list some reasons men should knit. If you are a man, or know a man, or wish you knew a man, or wish you didn’t know a man, this list is for you.

  • Because of zombies. Knitting is a survival skill, and we all know the zombie apocalypse is coming. We also know that men are a lot more likely to read something if the word “zombies” is in it. (Jane Austin, anyone?) Oh sure, you can hunt, or farm, or build a house with your bare hands complete with moat and catapult, but so can any guy. Learn to knit and when you’re the only one left who can go from sheep to warm socks in 24 hours, you’ll be the one with the most valuable trade goods come wintertime.
  • Have socks that fit. My husband has big feet. (yes, I said it) Standard store socks are often uncomfortable, and they’re so shoddily made anyway that he goes through them like crazy. But do you know what he said the first time he tired on a pair of wonderful custom-made socks? Well, nothing, because I’m too busy making other stuff to make him any, but do you know what I think he would say if he made some for himself? “Ahhhhhhhhhh. Perfect.”
  • Knit for charity. Knitting for yourself is fun, you selfish bastard, but how about thinking of others for a change? Added bonus in the following potential conversation:

    Stupid Jerk: (seeing you knitting) Ha! Are you knitting?

    You: Why yes I am. I decided saving a child’s life was worth it, babykiller.

  • You can knit chain mail. It’s true. That’s what most movies do, as the “real” stuff is too hard to do all those cool movie moves in, and way heavier. So see, you’re not making a sweater – you’re preparing for war.
  • Knitting is competitive. No really, I bet you can’t even make the semi-finals. Not only are there, really, master’s degrees available in knitting, but knitting is in fact a fiercely competitive arena, both in form of finished product and even live “speed knits”. (That makes it my second favorite sport, btw.)
  • Not to be crass, but well…girls. This will only work until all men start knitting, so jump on this quick – knitting clubs? Full of chicks. Granted, you’ll need to avoid the “Sunset Years Knitters of Gold Guild”, but you should be able to find a decent club of friendly females who would love to teach a guy to knit. And trust me, not much more attractive to a serious knitter than a guy willing to learn.
  • God knits. “You knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalms 138:13 ‘Nuff said. (Ok, I might be slightly out of line with this one. Um. Zombies.)

So there you have it. I hereby issue this call to all men – you must knit. It’s for the good of all mankind.


Filed under Knitting