(This post was originally posted in my other blog in March. –Sarah)
I struggle a lot with death.
That was a much more morbid way of introducing this post than I had originally intended, but it’s something that’s on my heart right now.
When I say I struggle, I don’t mean that I don’t understand the point of it, or why God allows it to happen. I’m actually ok with that.
My problem is, I don’t want to die.
And now you’re saying, um, duh? No one wants to die. Kinda a normal human thing, not really what people call a problem.
Well to me, it’s a problem. Because I believe that when I die, I get to be with God. I also believe that is the best thing that could possibly happen to anyone, ever — getting to be with your creator for eternity. It’s fantastic, to finally know that what you’re doing is what you were always meant to do. That your life mattered, and your reward is what you’ve always wanted, even if you didn’t always know it.
And when I think of it that way, even just writing the above, I’m ok with death. I get this little bubble of joy inside me from thinking about being with Him and how awesome that’s going to be. (That’s actually the meaning of the Greek for “delight”, if I recall correctly, the hope of things unseen that are to come.)
But most of the time I forget all that. I think about how much I hate fear. I look at worldly things and even people with the thought in my mind that it really doesn’t matter — it’s not going to last.
I’m about to go on a trip. A plane trip. Now, both my parents are pilots. I’ve been flying since before I was born.
But something about giving up control of my life to a pilot I’ve never met just scares the hell out of me.
And it shouldn’t. If I’m not afraid of what happens after death, and I know that nothing’s going to last anyway, I should just accept it, trust that God knows what He’s doing, and move on. “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” And also “Do not fear, for fear has to do with punishment. Perfect love drives out fear.”
I guess this is just further proof then that I am not perfect.
But I am a Christian. I want to believe. I want to drive out my fear with a perfect, complete love. So I’m going on this trip, and I’m not going to let my fear stop me. And meanwhile, I’m going to remember to live a life that matters while I’m here.
For now, that’s the best I can do. Help me Lord.